Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Feeling Encouraged

I had an AWESOME workout today. I mean seriously, it was phenomenal. One of the best I have had in months! I went with one of my roommates since it was nasty out and I didn't want to have to walk down...she's lazy so she drove lol. I did a strong 33 minutes on the elliptical, burning 481 calories. All of the treads were taken so I headed downstairs and did some stomach work and some lunges with 10 pound weights. I made my way back upstairs and there was an open treadmill so I jogged for 15 minutes and then the last minute I kicked up the speed and just ran really hard. I was on the tread for a total of 20 minutes and burned about 175 more calories!

I was gross and sweaty and coughing my brains out in the women's locker room (still getting over my cold) but it felt really good to push myself. I came home and took a nice long hot shower and really took time to appreciate this body of mine. It's not perfect, but it works and it worked pretty well today, despite me still being a little sick.

Maybe my motivation is that I'm going to spend the weekend with my 2 Jersey girls who are considerably smaller than I am. Not that I am going to lose 15 pounds by tomorrow but I just feel more confident knowing that I am taking an active role in becoming a more healthy and fit woman. I should have a great time this weekend and will watch what I eat so that I can get back on the workout grind on Monday, my next opportunity to get to the gym. Super Bowl is on Sunday so I may eat an exorbitant amount of wings...

In Yo Face West Coast

We had a snow day!!!!! You West Coasters and your warm weather always get to brag about how it's 75 degrees in wherever you are and I need something to brag about. Now, I am sorry for any of you who got snow but still had to go to work but again I HAD A SNOW DAY!!! That's one thing the West Coasters can't have lol. I haven't had a snow day since I don't know when...

I remember when I was in middle school we would hear about a snow storm coming the next day and everyone would wear their pajamas inside out. Now what that did or what logic there was connected to inside out pj's and snow, I don't know but it seemed to work! I did not wear my pj's inside out last night lol but there was someone up there looking out for me because I was so not looking forward to going to work.

By the end of the week I will have worked 2 days and used 3 different kinds of days off. I was out sick on Monday (there is something horrible going around), today was a snow day, and Friday I am off on a vacation day because I'm headed to Jersey for some QT with Little Italy and my Butter Pecan Rican--together we are the United Nations!

I also have Monday and Tuesday of next week off because Tuesday I am getting my hair done. So let me share my logic because I'm sure you're wondering why a 3 hour retightening merits 2 more days off. My appointment, as I mentioned, is on a Tuesday at 9:30am. I was already planning on taking the day off (probably a call out) but then my friends mentioned this alum reunion for my high school and that I should come home so I took Friday off and thought to myself: "Well, it doesn't make sense to take off Friday, come in Monday, and take off Tuesday...I'll just talk them all off!" So that's how I have 5 days off of work...ha!
P.S. We did not get as much snow as you see in the pic above...and I do not know those people.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I don't feel like...

I have locks...if that makes any sense. I'm not sure what I thought it would feel like but I am pretty sure I'm not feeling it. I know these are sisterlocks on my head but when I look at them I don't see locks...I see something else. Don't misinterpret this at all...I absolutely love my sisterlocks...but I just don't feel locked. Maybe once they have grown longer and matured more...

P.S. I'm experiencing some shrinkage. I washed my hair earlier in the week and my hair looked long one minute and was shriveled up the next. I guess it's a good thing because it's part of the process but that does not mean I have to like it! LOL

Monday, January 12, 2009


My honey got me the new Brandy CD--Human, for Christmas. It took listening to it a few times for me to really begin to love it but I definitely recommend checking it out. The album title song is one that definitely pulls at my heart strings...i get a little teary eyes almost every time I listen to it, especially when I am going through rough times (like now with my mother, for example). I found the song on YouTube...I don't know how to get the actual song in there so here's the link

Here are the lyrics too:

Verse 1:
I've said sorry over a thousand times
Is there anything to say to you, to help you dry your eyes?
I would make it all better if I could
I hope you realize
I cry, when you cry
I hurt, when you hurt
I make mistakes but I can't turn back time

I'm only human (forgive me)
I'm only human (love me)
I'm only human (save me)
Save me from myself
I'm no super woman (embrace me)
I'm fragile and broken
You're just like me
I'm perfectly human
I might just tell a lie
Pefectly human...but I'm an angel in disguise

Verse 2:
I'm standing in the mirror and a stranger's looking back
What are you afraid of girl, the future or the past
If you want to see inside of me all you have to do is ask
I cry, when you cry
I hurt when you hurt
I make mistakes but i can't turn back time

(Repeat chorus)

Maybe what tears us apart is what brings us back together
And everything that makes us different, really brings us closer
Could you hold me (for a little while)?
Could you love me (without a doubt)
I need you, I need you

(Repeat chorus)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Being true to me

With the new year I thought it was time for me to really grow and assert myself as an adult. Lately, I have been feeling smothered and drowned by my mother. While I love her to death, she is going through a rough time in her life and seems to be determined to drag everyone else down with her. She's lonely, frustrated, and having some financial issues. Things have been this way for her for a while now but it seems like life has been piling the crap on lately this past year. At the same time, however, I have fallen in love, found a good job, and I am closer to graduation every day. Things are going well for me and I am growing in ways that I never imagined I would in such a short period of time.

Because my mother is a single parent and we have always been close I felt it was my responsibility to keep her encouraged and listen to her when she is down, like i always have. While it sounds like I am being a great daughter, I am also neglecting my needs and feelings. It's difficult to keep myself encouraged when I feel so heavily responsible for the emotional well-being of my mother. It was clearly weighing me down and exhausting me and adding to the stress of everything else going on in my life (for anyone who made it out of their are sooo lucky lol). I've watched her become something unfamiliar...she is negative, judgmental, and bitter...and yet she projects these things onto all the people around her and has cut them out of her life, isolating herself and perpetuating her loneliness. Though things have always been difficult for us throughout the years, she was always able to maintain her optimistic outlook on life and has lost that.

While this may not have been the best time to assert myself as an adult and request some autonomy, I don't think there is ever really any good time to tell your parent that it's time to cut the umbilical cord. Seriously, it is just not healthy how enmeshed I am with her...for either of us. So what did I do? I wrote her a letter just expressing myself. There was no pointing fingers or blaming and I didn't even mention how I thought she had changed. I was just saying that I had grown and it was time for me to truly test and see how good of a parent she had been to me. I also shared with her my plans with my boyfriend...stating that he was a great person and a great friend to me and that I really loved him.

Why couldn't I just tell her all of these things in person? mother is not a great listener. All she needs is ammo to hear one thing that she doesn't like and you might as well just glue your lips shut and grab a box of tissues. She's been adult for much of her life (even when she was a child she acted like an adult) and because of that she often forgets what it is like to be in her 20s. When she was my age, I was 5...we clearly led very different lives. I just wanted to be able to express myself without interruption and without feeling bad that I want to be myself and live my life and make my own decisions.

Unfortunately she didn't see things my way. She immediately jumped on the defense and almost made it about her--feeling the need to remind me of all the sacrifices she made for me while I was growing up. While I appreciate all of her efforts as a parent, I don't think it appropriate for a parent to throw in their child's face things that they were supposed to do. Her job was to make sure I was taken care of and my job was to get good grades and make something of myself; I did that, and I did it well if I may say so myself.

In any event our relationship is forever changed. It was something that needed to happen in order for her to begin to see and respect me as an adult. I will continue to take care of myself and make her proud and hopefully one day soon we can begin to rebuild our relationship, until then I am actually going to enjoy a bit of emotional separation from her so that I can figure things out for myself.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Happy 3 Months

I look half dead but this is right after my retightening. Look how long my hair is! It's growing really my boyfriend would say: "I am pleased." My retightening went well. She fixed the slippage, which wasn't as bad as I thought. She also said that maybe by the next time I get my hair retightened I can graduate to the next shampoo and won't have to braid and band anymore. I'm really hoping that I can put b&b behind me because I really do hate it. Happy anniversary to me!